1st Annual Don and Jerry’s Movie Awards

zero dark thirty

Welcome to the 1st annual Don and Jerry’s Movie Awards, and that’s what they are going to be called until I come up with a better name. Suggestions are welcome. So, without further ado…

Best Supporting Actress:

I haven’t seen Les Miserables so anyone who bashes me for not choosing Anne Hathaway needs to understand that. I feel like this is the weakest category every year, even in the real movie award circuits. So, when it comes to my nominees there isn’t a lot of meat or depth here. The winner, in the end, is Anne Hathaway, just not for Les Miserables. As Selina Kyle in The Dark Knight Rises was witty, sexy, tough, and vulnerable, and while everyone else will give her attention for “dreaming a dream,” I’ll award her for her work in the best movie of the summer.

Anne Hathaway, The Dark Knight Rises

Best Supporting Actor:

If the supporting actress was thin, this is the exact opposite. The stars are out in full force for this category: De Niro, DiCaprio, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Tommy Lee Jones, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Fassbender, Michael Fassbender’s penis. There are a lot to choose from as many gave great performances. I’m going to go off the grid, though, and award a performance that no major award show has the balls to award. Do yourself a favor and YouTube Andy Serkis as Gollum or for his work in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Andy Serkis, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Worst Actor:

I don’t usually like rewarding mediocrity, like when they don’t keep score in T-Ball and everyone is a winner. Yeah, hate that stuff. The worst actor of the year for me could be any of the young actors from The Hunger Games. The teens in this movie were overmatched and at times I felt like I was watching a high school play. Besides, Jennifer Lawrence and Amandla Stenberg, all of the tributes were laughable in their attempts at acting. When it comes down to it, my worst actor is probably determined by screen time. He was given to best opportunity to fail. Josh Hutcherson was miscast as the big, blonde, large, lovable Peeta Mellark. It proved even worse when he got on the screen. He was like that kid who tries too hard to convince you of something or kisses ass by being fake. His performance came across as childish and unbelievable. I’m really not looking forward to three more movies of him, and the chemistry that is supposed to be there between him and Jennifer Lawrence… I have more chemistry with my pillow1.

Josh Hutcherson, The Hunger Games

 Worst Actress:

I don’t know, maybe it’s just my sense of humor, but I cringe every time a movie begins with the words “Tyler Perry’s.” I don’t like comedies where guys dress as girls to begin with2. It’s not the sense of humor that offends me, though. I can deal with that, and I don’t mind the serious “Tyler Perry” movies either, but when he dresses up as Madea… well I just can’t handle it. This goes for Adam Sandler in Jack & Jill as well. Comedians need to stop dressing up as fat woman.

Tyler Perry, Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection

Best Actress:

If you haven’t seen Zero Dark Thirty do yourself a favor, stop reading, get up, go to the closest movie theater, watch Zero Dark Thirty…Now! [2 hours and 37 minutes later] You’re welcome. Jessica Chastain is tough, quick, and snarky as Maya, the lead CIA operative tasked with locating America’s Most Wanted: Osama bin Laden. She is cold as steel and obsessed to the point where all she has left is her job. Watching her hold her life together as her friends all leave, whether by death or Washington, is masterful. Chastain gives her all, and in the end, Maya does too.

Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty

Best Actor:

The Academy Awards should really just rename their Best Actor Award the Daniel Day-Lewis Acting Excellence Award. As our 16th president, DDL embodies a man none of us knew, and we leave the theater feeling as if we just spent two and a half hours with the man himself. It’s not just DDL’s skills with his voice or demeanor, but his devotion to researching his characters, whether it’s Lincoln’s Kentucky accent or actually becoming a butcher when prepping for to play Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York, DDL’s devotion in how he transforms completely into his characters is what sets him apart.

Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln

Best Director:

Kathryn Bigelow was straight-up robbed when SHE WASN’T EVEN NOMINATED for Best Director this year by the Academy Awards. I’ll make it up to her here. The way she juggled her actors, archival footage of terrorist attacks, or recreating some attacks, and doing this all without putting in any political bias or having politics get in the way, Bigelow created a modern classic. She recreated history is a way similar to Steven Spielberg with Lincoln, but Bigelow turns it ups, cranking the tension to a place where you are holding your breath. The climaxes of both films are what separate the two. Spielberg created a historical drama; Bigelow created as close to reality as a historical film can come.

Kathryn Bigelow, Zero Dark Thirty

Best Picture:

So, I have a confession. This movie is the whole reason why I wrote this column. I’ve told you once, but I’ll tell you again, if you haven’t seen Zero Dark Thirty yet, go see it. Some reviews are awful, and those are from people letting their political views get in the way of what is a movie free of those same political biases. What director Kathryn Bigelow and writer Mark Boal created was nothing short of a modern masterpiece. A film that epitomizes the last decade in the War on Terror, doesn’t shy away from the sacrifices it took, of the body, mind, and soul, to defeat our enemy. The plot builds with pressure and tension, keeping you on the edge of your seat with explosions and attacks that makes you feel what is at stack. From the chilling opening to the final, scoreless half hour, Zero Dark Thirty is a film that holds a mirror to our country and forces us to see our scars, but also shows the resiliency and determination we have come to be known for. Where some shy away and criticize the film is with its depiction of torture. Yes, it is an ugly story, but where Zero Dark Thirty excels is showing the sacrifices it did take to defeat our enemies, but while still raising the question: at what cost?

Zero Dark Thirty

 

  1. [SPOILER ALERT] It’s going to take a lot of movie magic to get me to believe that Jennifer Lawrence falls in love with this little dweeb when she has Liam Hemsworth waiting for her.
  2. Besides Mrs. Doubtfire. Love that movie, and Robin Williams is a ace.
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